"Gift" means "poison" in German. And my
Timehop app on my iphone can be a gift or be giftig. Nostalgia is similar to
"Heimweh" in German. "Heim" means home and "weh"
means pain.
I'd not used Timehop before this year, and now that I have, I'm
reminded daily that Ivo and my trip down Rt 66 happened in June 4 years
ago.
According to
Timehop, we were in Amarillo, TX 4 years ago today. We spray painted Cadillacs
that were positioned to resemble Stonehenge. I went and read our blog from that
time (Ivo and I had a a wordpress
blog, in which we recorded our experiences of our year in the US together) and
was surprised by the evenness and relative lack of emotion in our New Mexico
posts. I'm quite proud of typically over-sharing self. The posts don't nearly
betray the emotional roller coaster of nearly becoming parents to a possible
epileptic daughter. Today is her birthday and I think of her every now and
again. Mostly it goes like this "I wonder what she's up to now." and
then I send her love and hope and good wishes for her and her parents.
I remember when my
mom was nearing the first anniversary of her cancer diagnosis. She was asking
about my thoughts of how to deal with anniversaries of painful things. I wonder
if having been ill in the past is why I think of "life before
____________" and "life after ___________"; why I give weight to
the fact that I've lived without a lower intestine longer than I've lived with
one; why I so understood mom when she was dreading the anniversary of her
diagnosis. I've tried to remember my advice to her when celebrating her birth
and death days this year. And I think that Ivo and I do a great job celebrating
our twoness in observation of the children who weren't. When we miscarried, the
due date we'd been given was October 13th, my sister and nephews birthday. I'm
grateful for that built in celebration.
But for now, I
shall delete my Timehop app and move forward instead of looking back for now.
Or at least try to.
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